WASHINGTON - At an impromptu White House press conference today, President Trump confirmed the rumors that Covid-19 has proven transmissible to both stone and metal statues of Civil War Confederate leaders. The news of this discovery was first published by the New York Times Sunday, who cited anonymous sources from the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in stating infected statues have a high risk of mortality, with some asymptomatic statues being super spreaders among the Confederate population. The recent death of the Jefferson Davis statue in Richmond is just one example of an alarming new outbreak of the coronavirus. “We cannot stand by and let our statues die,” President Trump said, “and so we are mobilizing the full force of the Federal government to save them.”
The President detailed a multi-part executive order that mobilizes the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) and the Department of Defense (DoD). “Effective today, wearing masks will be mandatory for all statues of Confederate leaders and visitors to these statues,” said the President. The order also enacts the Defense Production Act, which authorizes the DoD to enlist private companies in the manufacturing of Personal Protective Equipment (PPE) and testing supplies. The increase in supplies will be used to ramp up testing for each Confederate statue, with the goal to have monthly testing of all statues by the end of the year. The order also establishes a Federal contact tracing division under the HHS, focused on finding and tracing all contacts with infected statues. This data will be accessible real-time by states, allowing a rapid and coordinated local response to outbreaks when they occur. Finally, the executive order puts in place a command center to establish reopening guidelines and coordinate all state and local efforts, ensuring states follow a fact-based approach to opening their economies in ways that do not put the Confederate statues at risk. Per the President, states and territories who choose to choose to reopen ahead of the strict guidelines will be “jeopardizing Federal budgetary support" in the areas of health, education and transportation.
“I ask all Americans to set aside our differences and come together to save our Confederate statues,” said President Trump. "These statues are our heritage. It is true the leaders these statues represent may have fought to destroy the United States of America and to continue slavery. Some, such as Jeff Davis, even signed a proclamation putting African American soldiers fighting for the Union to death upon capture. But I think we can all agree that no person, no virus - not even a bad hombre from Mexico - can be allowed to put our heritage at risk.”
Hopefully if you read all the way to this point, you realize this is satire